Being Candid about native advertising – Part 2

Following on from setting up our native advertising business; we need to expand.

We are going to set up an internet messaging system; we’ll be calling it Candy. Candy is Twitter clone – but it’s going to be Twitter with a difference. We need our Unique Selling Point, after all. We will do away with internet trolls, using Artificial Intelligence.

We need to kick things off with a wave of articles, telling the world what we are here to achieve. You’ve seen this before, when “new shiny website” is suddenly “everywhere” online. You go to NPR, it’s there. You visit Phone Arena, and it’s there. CNET? You betcha. Each time, a slightly different article, but covering all the same key talking points, thanks to the power of press releases. These are articles. They are not adverts. Although you will be excused for confusing how closely the two overlap.

Now, in our case, Candy will be using super duper AI to weed out the online trolls. To train an AI, we need data. So… bizarrely, what we actually need is trolls. We need trolls, and trolls, and some more trolls.

What online trolls may look like.

What online trolls may look like.

But how do you recruit trolls? Well… let’s channel some of our native advertising mantra. “Social Publishers and Influencers”.

So let’s do some Influencer Marketing

Influencer Marketing can be explained using three cute trolls.

  • The first troll, we’ll call him Yellow, is given peanuts to go up some stairs.
  • The second troll, we’ll call him Pinkie, follows Yellow up the stairs because he thinks he’ll get peanuts
  • The third troll, we’ll call him Greenie, having not seen why the first two trolls have gone upstairs, follows them without reward being promised

Influencer Marketing is paying the first troll without the other two being aware, hoping the first troll is popular enough to encourage the other two.

We need to find us a Yellow, with an army of loyal trolls, ready to follow their leader. But what do trolls eat? They’re not big on peanuts.

Freeze Peach

In a blind taste test, 9 out of 10 internet trolls prefer freeze peach.

As we all know, internet trolls love freeze peach. So let’s offer them freeze peach. Via their “social influencers”, we offer the army of trolls as much freeze peach as their little hearts desire. And we turn our AI on. And it will feed. It will devour their glorious shit posting. And it will grow stronger. And smarter. Until it has become an AI so empowered by shitposting, that is can take on the world.

We will finally have an AI that can hunt down and destroy trolls.

The Tayminator

A vicious AI powered meme-hunting machine.


Wrapping Up

Sure, I’m being a sarcastic bastard. There is an awful lot of supposition, inference and an entire patch blanket of guesswork. But to be serious a moment; do I believe that a selection of former Google employees, with a background in keyword analysis, the semantic web, and internet marketing, truly have the best interests of free speech at heart? And do I trust people who throw “internet troll” around like confetti, when they tell me they are here to help protect free speech on the internet? And do I back an app that markets itself both as a way of dealing with internet trolls, whilst providing free speech?

You might. And I won’t condemn you for doing so. But I won’t be putting my data anywhere near it.

I don’t believe I’m a troll. But I know there are an awful lot of people who would say that I am. And I don’t really want to trust those people with my access to free speech. I’ve already made that mistake once.

1 Response

  1. October 8, 2016

    […] And now for part 2 […]

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