DadVice 6 – The Undiscovered Country

I think I’m in love with my same sex guy best friend. I don’t believe I’m gay and I’m just so confused about everything right now. Has anyone experienced anything similar? How do I react to this?

Shem: The kinda acid test in this case is, do you want to touch his peepee? If you just feel very close to them, but you don’t want to touch his peepee – or for him to touch your peepee, then yeah – you’ve just got “a good friend”.

Mike: You have a friend you weird little dude.

Rock said: You said “im love with” as opposed to “want to stick my dick in” / “want to get my anus reamed by” and you’re pretty sure you’re not gay, so you’re probably just confusing platonic love with romantic love. Bromance is a word for a reason, it’s a terrible word, but a word nonetheless.

Some of my peers were saying anti-trans stuff and I feel kinda disgusted with myself as a trans person, any advice on how to not feel disgusted with myself?

Shem: The only person with the power to control how you feel about you, is – ultimately, you. You don’t need to tackle how they view trans – although you can, if you wish and feel up to it. But the main issue here is tackling how much emphasis you place on their opinions, versus how much you place on your opinions of yourself.

Mike: Probably stop showing your shenis to everyone you meet.

Rock says: Were they saying it about you, to you? Stop giving a fuck about what other people think. If you wanted to look at it another way, if they feel comfortable discussing trans issues at or around you, they’ve probably gotten pretty used to you being trans.

How to be nice without being an easy target?

Shem: If this question bothers you, you’re going to forever spend your time walking a fine line. Because it is a fine line, between “being nice” and “being a mug”. My solution is to just accept that sometimes I’m taken for a mug – but that, to me, is an acceptable outcome. Everyone’s mileage varies on how much of a ride they’re willing to be taken for, before they say “Sod this”.

Mike: Decimation. Be as nice as you like as long as you behead one in ten of your peers.

Rock says: Realise when people are taking the piss, and don’t let them take the piss.

I had to turn a guy away the other day because he’d been sent on an errand by someone who’s more than spent their social credit as far as I’m concerned. Normally I’d have bent over backwards to help him but I knew I was being taken advantage of, so the foot came down.

How do I put a baby bird down painlessly?

Shem: Nope.

Mike says: Take the bird to the vet if possible, or phone RSPB/RSPCA.

If they aren’t available, phone your council.

If that doesn’t work, brick to head.


Rock says: I think official line would be “take it to the vet.” Pragmatic line is that short of some sort of elaborate gas setup or access to drugs you don’t have you just need to make it quick, so a cinderblock or hammer to the head. I’ve had to euthanise more than a few rats that the cat has eviscerated and then left to bleed out in a similar manner. Once you’ve taken the decision that this is objectively the kindest thing to do there’s not really any point in trying to sanitize it, it becomes a mechanical problem, make it quick and definitive.

Should I hate myself because I’m Israeli and therefore not welcome in the US?

Shem: I’m not welcome in McDonalds, but I don’t hate myself because of it.

Mike says: Bernie, this isn’t how you win the Democratic primary FFS.

Rock says:Bait not taken.

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