Question 1

First, let me add some context: So I live in an apartment with 4 girls, and one of them is black. She’s been smoking weed in the apartment, and after many times of asking her to stop, we decided to talk to the leasing office. They sent her a letter that was basically a warning. Well, she was super pissed and so the rest of us went to one of our rooms to talk about it.

Everything was fine and then things went South (pun intended). First, my roommate’s boyfriend sent her a text about our 4th roommate, using the n word with a hard r. Then, later she said, “I’m not racist, but stereotypes exist for a reason”, to which my other roommate responded “No I’m a little racist”. I think they knew that their jokes were making me uncomfortable, because one of them mentioned that I’m more liberal than the two of them.

Here’s the issue: their jokes and comments made me very uncomfortable. I can’t move out because I’ve already renewed my lease for the next year, and my best friend is moving in with us next year too. I’m afraid of confrontation, btw.

What do I do?

Tldr: my roommates made racist comments, it made me uncomfortable, and I can’t move out.

Mike says: Invite Mike Tyson for lunch. Failing that, bring round your local Black Panther chapter. Or just tell them you’re uncomfortable and why.

Shem says: Your mates are racist. You associate with your mates. You are racist.
Own it.

Rock says: If your room mates were racist they probably wouldn’t be living with a black woman. You need to chill and just let people get on with their shit, if you’re having trouble relaxing try smoking some weed.

Question 2

The title somewhat explains this…

We’ve known each other almost half a year and decided to meet because we both really like each other and wanted to potentially start a relationship based on this meet-up.

I’ll start by saying that we do not live in the same country, but it’s not so far that it’s problematic. Anyway, I came over and just before I am about to go to sleep I notice I have two missed calls and about ten messages.

She told me she didn’t know if she’d be able to come because she’s been stressing about it all day and having small panic attacks which also happened with her ex-boyfriend. She got really panicked and upset and told me it just seemed to happen so fast.

For clarification this has been planned for just over a month.

I’m just sort of sat here in my hotel thinking of the best way to analyse and handle the situation as I’m in an unfamiliar city and actually suffer from panic attacks myself. I don’t want to over-analyse, but I also don’t know how to deal with it.

Mike says: Next time take smaller steps. You might not get where you want, but you’ll see where you can go.

Shem says: Hold in there. Give her time, space, patience and understanding. Go out to a bar, and get pissed. Have a good breakfast to power through the hangover, and do some sight-seeing.

Rock says: Women flake out all the time, and if shes doing the whole “long distance” thing she’s probably a complete social interaction train wreck to boot. Just chalk it up to experience and try again in a bit when she’s feeling suitably guilty. As a bonus all that money you’ve saved not buying her drinks, and clothes, and shoes, and dinner, and movie tickets, and present, and flowers, and more clothes, and presents for her parents, and having her car fixed, and holidays, and holiday clothes, and shoes, and haircuts that somehow cost 2 days wages despite looking exactly the same, and even more clothes and shoes will have more than paid for the hotel and travel expenses.

Question 3

So, my best friend dozed off in a relative’s funeral. For 25 minutes straight. (I swear I’m not making up an imaginary best friend to shoulder my guilt). I understand that it was unforgivable and very rude, but she is still my best friend so I’m asking for an advice on how she could say sorry to her family. Thank you for reading this…

Mike says: Tell your friend to hold their hands up and say “I fell asleep”. There’s no other way.

Shem says: Funerals can be very boring. Maybe she could go away, and give the situation some thought. I find that when embarrassing events like this take place, it is best to go away and reflect. Get her to come back with a list of ways that future funerals could be made more exciting. Maybe use the corpse as a Piñata, filled with sweeties and other goodies? Perhaps hide-and-seek, with the corpse hidden in a random cupboard somewhere in the building? The important thing is for her to come back to the family with some ideas, so that she can help resolve the problem, moving forwards.

Rock says: If her family is really pissed just tell them she was so inconsolable that she fainted or something, or apologize, you know that thing people do sometimes. Or alternatively if no one notice, why bring it up.

Question 4

I’m married to a woman whom I love and adore. The thing is, she sees other men for sex and is open about it. She doesn’t have sex with me and says I’m too small. Now she wants to have a baby, but it won’t be mine. What do I do?


Shem says: Fund my fucking baby.

Rock says: This so easily be the work of a poe, or a fantasist who’s somehow convinced he’s married to the woman he’s stalking, but I’ll play along. Either she is blatantly using you, or you’ve got some sort of cuckold fetish. at the end of the day no kid should ever have to ask why they have 5 dads, and why the one that mommy never kisses sits at home crying and masturbating every time she goes out. The way the courts are nowadays if you hang around for more than 30 seconds after her period was due you’ll probably end up paying to raise it regardless, so my advise is get the fuck out of dodge.

Question 5

My (35M) girlfriend (24F) wants me to act like a horse when we have sex, and I’m not into it at all.

So, tiny bit of backstory, my girlfriend of 6 months loves horses, has all her life. An additional, seemingly relevant point is, during sex, she sometimes says stuff like ‘f*** me with that horse cock’. I’ve never thought much of it, I thought that wa sjust a way of her saying it’s big. But she’s started to take it further and it’s turned into a bit of a fetish that I’m not entirely comfortable with. A few days ago, she told me she wanted to roleplay, and at first I was pretty on board, but then she said as horses. I laughed, thinking it was a joke and she took it the wrong way, and she said she was tired and then went to sleep. I said fuck it and, trying to make her feel better, said I’d do it the following day. Honestly it was okay but very, very weird, and she got so into it and said it was the best she ever had, and next time wanted to buy costumes, and maybe do it on some hay. I told her no, and I didn’t want to do it again and she’s back to being mad at me. Am I being a dick here? I don’t know what to do.

Mike says: If you don’t wanna be Mr Ed, don’t do it man. Or, demand she feed you oats from a bag and brush your mane for an hour before fucking. See how that goes.

Shem says: All the additional equipment you will need are available from Amazon, but I can’t be arsed adding them in again as it’s all not working, so buy a horse mask, a chastity cage and a tail buttplug kthxbye. I adore WordPress and all who edit in her.

Rock says: Shes clearly got some sort of massive horse cock fetish and seems to think you fit the bill in that regard so take it as a compliment, and at the end of the day she can’t complain when you tell her to dress as Britney Spears and let you donkey punch her. (Shem plz add affiliate links for appropriate costumes and / or headache medication.)

5 Responses

  1. PixelJanosz says:

    I’m very ghey.

  2. BerryAnon says:

    “if shes doing the whole “long distance” thing she’s probably a complete social interaction train wreck to boot.”

    Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you should say it ;A;

    But for reals, anxiety can be a pain and Long Distance is always a weird thing as you can know someone online but not really *know* them till you meet. But at the same time you have to try and cross that bridge, it’s awful on that guy who probably paid a lot of money and mentions he put his anxiety aside to travel in the first place only for her to back out. If your both not making the effort then that’s a bad sign right there.

    Anyway I hope Long Distance Anon still got something out of his holiday

  3. MahdDogg says:

    Question 1: Lighten the fuck up all of you. Smoke a spliff and stop being so fucking middle class.

    Question 2: She’s really a dude. No Really. She’s a dude. Now ask yourself is the romance of a foreign country enough for you to go for broke and suck a dick?

    Question 3: Feel lucky she wasn’t my cousin Steve. We caught him have a five knuckle shuffle in the confessional during a nieces baptism.

    Question 4: You’re a fucking wallet. Grow a spine.

    Question 5: Make it an exchange. You can dress up as horses and fuck in hay if she’ll consent to anal. A relationship is give and take. Take one for the team to drive the hershey highway.

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